Dear Santa,

Or should I call you St. Nicholas? Father Christmas? That dude with the beard who chuckles too much?

For starters, I’m not convinced of your existence in the physical sense, but as a person prone to hedging his bets I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.

I must confess I’m having problems sorting out the “naughty or nice” dilemma. Are you referring to moral good? Good in a Utilitarian sense perhaps? ¬†What about the time I walked out of the grocery store realizing I hadn’t paid for six bananas that my daughter wedged into the cart?

I just kept on going, my bearded friend. A move more suited to preservation of sanity than a social obligation to be honest. Which side of the equation does that fall onto?

Also, there are distinct times when acting naughty with my wife seems to be most beneficial…nudge, nudge, wink, wink. And oddly enough, there’s a bit of nice involved there too.

So, maybe I’ll just skip that part and go straight to my list. I’ve worked hard on it. A list of things I think will make the immediate world a little better. And since you’re supposed to be omniscient, it should be a cinch for you.

For Christmas I would like…

  1. At least one newscast not inundated with stories of violence or greed or general insensitivity.
  2. An entire day where I successfully anticipate my child’s needs in advance of a potential meltdown.
  3. The foresight to not dress up as you and scare the living beans out of my kid by getting stuck in the chimney on Christmas Eve.
  4. A Christmas Day nap. A long one. The kind you write a blog about.
  5. The ability to conjure out of thin air, one of my Mom’s mincemeat tarts at any time.
  6. A Talking Pedometer. What better way to affirm your lack of direction then by having a robotic voice count your steps.
  7. One of those moments on Christmas morning where everyone is inexplicably happy and time slows down just a little.
  8. The ability to eat stuffing without the gastrointestinal aftermath.
  9. A childhood memory of Christmas past.
  10. Christmas music on the hi-fi (not to be confused with wi-fi).

And to all — a good night.


Harry Tournemille thinks Christmas is best spent amongst family.